A leg up

We've planned out the first few legs of our trip and day one and two look like quite the bore. From home we'll hit Ohio. Oh me, oh my-o; oh why Ohio! I can't honestly say I'm excited about the Buckeye State even though "Hang on Sloopy" is the state's official rock song, although it does have a slightly playful chorus: "Hang on Sloopy; Sloopy, hang on". The distance between here and there is a void of Northeastern US doldrum capped by a destination made famous by Drew Carey, set in Cleveland, and Alex P. Keaton, set in suburban Columbus. I mean, Ohio, freakin' Ohio.

Once we depart from Ohio, we drive an entire day to Nebraska through Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa. At least we get the "I" states out of the way in one painful stretch of sanity versus distance. Indiana, publisher of The Saturday Evening Post, lacks any real draw. It conjures images of stereotypical leprechauns screaming, "Go Irish!" while losing a football game by more points than there are players on the field and French licking Larry Bird's pasty legs, but means little more to me than an atrophied football dynasty and a washed up three-point shooter. Illinois, on the same hand, interests me nearly as much as a day long lecture on the fiduciary contract between facilitator and subject. Sure, it's home to Chicago and Peoria, but, eh, who cares. Honestly, the state of Illinois has sanctioned the square dance as its official dance. What the hell. It's square dancing, a monotonous exercise in dressing up in tassels and skirting around a plywood floor shellacked in peanut shells (actually a legume, not a pea or a nut) and vomit. Yee-haw. Finally, we enter Iowa, home of the hawkeyes and what else? I don't know, maybe it's cool that the only state beginning with two vowels houses a national balloon museum and the birthplace of "Duke" (John Wayne). Whatever.
At the end of that second day we reach Nebraska and get to finally enjoy ourselves and spend time with close friends and their family. We're both looking forward to this brief stay and respite from a long road. The trip picks up from here.

I won't be as detailed or as scathing with the rest of the trip; your imagination can fill in the blanks. Basically, we will head northwest and swing through the Badlands National Park and on to Mount Rushmore. If time allows, we stop into the internationally known Wall Drug and by some wall drugs. Then, after gazing adoringly into the disappointed faces of our forefathers, we'll drive west, forever west, into Yellowstone and Craters of the Moon National Parks. Yea, we're outdoorsy. After that brief brush with natural beauty, it's off to Portland. We'll have to split the travel into two days, but it's safer on strange roads in the middle of Idaho. I don't need a potato lodged somewhere I can feel but can't see. Idahoans are strange folk.